Friday, December 14, 2012

My Mother and Telemarketers

My Mother, Anne Hawkins, was a demon when it came to telemarketers. Here are some of my favorites.

Anne Hawkins in 1943

Mama and the Sears Card Telemarketer: or, why they have a script now

mama: Hello?
tm: Hello, may I speak to David Hawkins?
mama: I'm sorry, he isn't available. Can I help you?
tm: Are you his wife?
mama: Yes.
tm: Well, Mrs. Hawkins, we would like to offer him a Sears credit card. Perhaps you can tell us what he does, and what his income is?
mama: I'm sorry, I haven't the slightest idea.
tm: You don't know what he does or his income?
mama: No.
tm: I don't understand. You really mean that you really have no idea what your husband does or how much he earns?
mama: Not the slightest. He's been dead for four years.
tm: Oh. (after a moment of silence) Well, what do you do?
mama: I am the last of the lilies of the field; I toil not, neither do I spin. (hangs up)

Three days later the Sears card arrived in the mailbox. Made out for Mrs. David Hawkins

Mama and the Burial Plot Salesman

mama: Hello?
tm: Hello, is this Anne Hawkins?
mama: Yes.
tm: I represent XXX Cemetery. We are offering a special price on burial plots. These are prepaid plots, so that when the need arises, there will be no cost for a plot.
mama: I appreciate the offer, but I don't think so.
rm: Mrs. Hawkins, this is a great opportunity to reserve your burial plot, so your loved ones will one less thing to deal with when you pass on.
mama: Well, you see, I don't think you really want to bury me, because of my religion.
tm: Oh, we take care of all religions.
mama: Mmmhmmm...but aren't your graves six feet long and three feet wide, and three or four feet deep like all the others?
tm: yes...
mama: Well, you see, because I am a Vertical Buddhist  I should be buried standing up, in a grave that is three feet wide and six feet deep. (hangs up).

Anne Hawkins in 1985

Mama and the Carpet Salesman

mama: Hello?
tm: Good morning! I'd like to tell you about a wonderful special we have going right now. We are the ZYX Carpet Company, and we would like to offer you an unbelievable deal on wall to wall carpets for your new home.
mama: I'm sorry, but we don't have wall to wall floors. (hangs up)

Mama and the Magazine Salesman (who came to the door)

sm: Madam, I have a wonderful selection of national magazines for half the newsstand price. Would you be interested in, say, The Ladies Home Journal, or McCall"s?
mama: (gently closing door) I'm sorry, but I don't speak English.

The poor man was halfway down the drive before he realized what had just happened.

That's all until next time--Nan

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